Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Sneak attack..... Caught off guard

I've been reading a book titled, "How to Engage in Spiritual Warfare Victoriously" by Tony Owens and I came across this passage that seemed to stick out to me.
"The enemy examines us to identify our weaknesses. Again, he first examines the areas that you are weak in the flesh, and then he sees where you are weak or overly sensitive emotionally, and he attacks you there."
 I am a living witness to this truth. A few months ago, I had a small procedure done that left me in a lot of pain.  Afterwards, I had to stand in line for about 20 minutes to get my prescription filled. It seemed to be the longest 20 minutes of my life. I remember saying to myself that “I wish I had a husband to take care of me.” I began thinking about how much easier my life would be if I had someone to share my daily tasks with. As more time passed, I even became irritated that being the single woman that I am, I was even dealing with this alone. Little did I know that these thoughts would be the gateway for the enemy to launch an emotional attack against me.
The same day, I was approached by an individual that I have been relatively close with, stating that God told him I was his wife. He came across with so much confidence and certainty that it caught me by surprise. I had never considered this person to be someone I would date partly because we were such good acquaintances. I’ve been down this road many times thinking that someone I met was going to be my husband and after the last emotional escapade, I promised God I wouldn’t get overzealous next time. I promised God that I would seek Him first before even allowing my emotions and my thoughts to become tangled up in someone else.  The “guy” appeared to be the ideal catch.  He is a Man of God, college graduate, business professional, family and goal-oriented young man. Unlike my past picks, he had values. Some would even say that he is handsome. He has been there for me many times in the past in emergency situations so I know there was some level of concern he has for me BUT I still didn’t want to be involved with him unless God’s approval was on it.  I took the situation to my Father in prayer. The bible says in Mark 9:29 says that some things only come by prayer and fasting. The man I would spend the rest of my life with and the person I would invite into my most inner part of my life warranted a reason to pray and fast. I was prayerful for a week. During that week, many things happened.  The “guy” and I had a very deep talk about marriage and the rearing of children. We discussed our desires for our spouse and where we believed the Lord was taking us individually.  We went to church and took communion together. Things appeared to be going just like it should. The day after my fast, I was sharing the story with a few women of God, encouraging their hearts and explaining the importance of waiting on God.  An overwhelming peace came about me which was too heavy to stand on my feet.  The presence of the Lord surrounded me and I just had to sit in His presence.  Before this, I was very fearful, fearful of being wrong about the whole thing, fearful of opening myself up to a man, fearful of being in a relationship and having to trust someone with my heart, but after the Lord entered the room, I believed He was easing my doubts and calming my fears.   After my experience with God, I told the “guy” that I was all for it but yet I would still be prayerful about our future together and I trusted him to do the same.
 I was excited but prayerful that God would help me to not allow my excitement to become an idol. I stayed level-headed… to some degree. I fell in love with the idea of being in love.  I began listening to love songs and imagining what my life would be like as a wife to this “guy.” He is of a different descent than I so I began reading up on what his customs are and traditions that he have so that the transition would be smooth and easy. My thoughts remained pure when I thought of him. I dared not to taint the special thing that God was bringing to me. I appreciated God for the way things seem to be orchestrated.  The "guy" and I had known each other for about 5 years and he was never a threat. I was able to build a trust with him based on friendship which is how any lasting relationship should begin.  My son likes him and he seemed to “approve” of the idea of this “guy” being his step-father. After 5 years of being single and rejoicing with all those around me during their new engagements, babies, home acquisitions etc, I was thrilled to know something was finally happening for me. Emotionally, I was open. I was vulnerable but I thought I was safe.  I removed my guard so that I could really let the “guy” into my heart. Little did I know, I was letting more in that just this guy. About a month later, I was told by the guy he is "kinda seeing somebody"  I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Had I missed God? Confusion began setting in. Why would you continue seeing someone if you knew that God told you who your wife was. We kissed! Did that not mean anything to you? I prayed and I fasted and I was given peace in my spirit about you so why was I fooled? Why me, why now?  God, why would YOU let this happen? I quickly tried to re-group. I tried to pry my heart from underneath his foot and run back to the dark cave that I wanted to hide in but my heart seemed to be stuck between the grooves of his shoe and the asphalt. There was an emotional war going on inside my spirit. I was snappy, inconsistent, and unstable. I would laugh one minute and cry the next.  Depression was riding my heels. I was disappointed and I felt like God let me down.  I wanted so badly to force my heart to close but it wanted to remain open. I began doubting really being called by God because I wasn’t able to discern the voice of God. As the days passed, I became sadder and sadder, hopelessness and despair began sitting in my lap and no matter how much I tried to rise above it, I couldn’t find the bounce back in my spirit. I couldn’t pray because every time I tried, the whispers of “You aren’t good enough” and “there goes another man that has left you” echoed so loudly in my head.  I was becoming bitter and angry at everyone, friends, family and co-workers.  Inside, I was crying- screaming even but no one could hear me and no one could pick up on the words I wasn’t saying. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I dwelt on thoughts of how much happier I was when I was in the world shacking up being cheated on, used and abused. I knew that I needed to be saved but I was over it at this point.  Satan was trying to snatch the very joy of my salvation away and I was letting him.

Torn 2 Reborn Revelation:
My thoughts, emotions and longing for a husband in combination with the fact that I was physically weak made me a prime candidate for the enemy’s tactics. The plan of the enemy has always been, is, and will always be to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10)  He was trying to steal the joy of being unmarried that God had given me, kill my relationship with others and destroy my faith in God and the leading of His Spirit. Women have a tendency to be emotionally-led creatures but we have to watch out for this because our faith is not emotionally based. It is grounded and rooted in Jesus Christ. We have to guard our hearts and minds and cast down those thoughts immediately that are not of God. Philippians 4:8 tells us “Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things…… And the peace of God will be with you. This is what I failed to do.  Spending time mentally wishing I had a husband left me open for the emotional turmoil that came that very day. Instead, what I needed to do was thankful that God is a healer and I made it through the procedure and even able to stand on my two feet to wait in a line for the medication.  Be careful of your thoughts and emotional instability.  Don’t let it be a gateway for the enemy.  To God be the Glory God bless you all.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Fatherless Daughter..... Who Can I Trust?

I grew up without my father in the home. I grew up very angry and even jealous at times of those friends who had a dad. I never understood what would make a man hate his own child. No one had ever told me that he hated me but it must have been hatred that caused him to leave me with nothing but empty promises. Hatred must have made him tell me he would come get me only to leave me sitting on my grandma's stoup for hours waiting for him. Hatred must have made him tell my brother and sister I wasn't his child. Hatred must have kept him from even attempting to look for me when my mom and I moved away.  It must have been hatred because nothing else explains his actions, I remember when I was about 8 or 9, I was watching the Maury show and there were some wild teenage girls that blamed their promiscuity on the absent father. Even at that young age, I laughed to myself in total disagreement thinking that there was no possible correlation between an absent father and a promiscious teenager.
                                            That was until I stared emptiness in the face.
I got pregnant at 14. I didnt have sex because of my own desires. I didnt have sex because of peer pressure. I did it because there was actually someone who liked me, a guy that spent his allowance money on me, a guy that said nice things about me and told all his friends I was his girl.  The validation I was looking for subconsiously was being given to me from someone of the opposite sex and I liked it. The only problem was there were other girls interested in "my guy" too. I mean, were there any other recourses for me besides giving of my body? I wasn't aware I was worthy of having someone interested in me. Heck, my own father wasn't interested in me so I had to bring more to keep him interested... so I thought.  I'll be the first to tell you, a baby doesnt keep a guy around. You would think I would know that from my own experience with my dad but I guess experience isn't always the best teacher. In searching for something to fill the 2 voids, I now felt... 1 from my dad and 2nd from my son's dad, I went on a quest looking for love. It landed me with many failed relationships and even more brokenness than before. In every relationship I was cheated on and used. In my last relationship, I was even physically abused. Each relationship took more and more of me with it. It was clear to me that men just can't be trusted. They lied with a straight face and made it up  with smooth words. When they said, "I love you" they might as well have said "I'm leaving you" because that is what was happening.
Fast forward to 2006, just two days before my fiance' was murdered, I gave my life to Jesus Christ. I had had just about all I could take and I was convinced there had to be something greater than the emptiness I had. I didnt know a lot about the Lord but I knew from Sunday School that "Jesus loves me, this is know... For the bible tells me so" At this point, what I needed was love but a different kind of love. A love that doesn't hurt. A love that doesn't take away. I was looking for love and I had hoped I would find it in God. What a life changing decision! I was saved! I was now a daughter of a king who, according to the Word has many blessings to bestow upon me. He has made many promises to me. He says He loves me......... me! Who would have thought that with my past, God will still love me?
2012- I am still living for Jesus. I am going higher in God but there is something that keeps pulling me back. The lack of faith and trust. I had recently gone through an emotional trial that seemed to have incapacitated me mentally. There have been some petitions I've made to the Lord and it seems as things were going in the opposite direction. It seems as though the very thing I pray about is the one thing I lose. I asked God to bless my finances, yet I was living paycheck to paycheck. I asked God to bless me with a spouse yet I'm still single. I asked God to bless me with a home of my own and  yet I'm still at home. However, it seems as those around me are excelling in every area of their lives. Have I found myself in another situation where I'm again not good enough? The Lord loves me, yes I know but why does it seem as though He has forgotten me? Has the word LOVE been taken out of context? I couldn't pray. I had a "I'm over it attitude" but the funny thing is, I didnt know exactly what that meant.
One day the Lord spoke to me and said, "You treat me like a man but I am not a man" What God? What is that supposed to mean? He reminded me of times when I have prayed for certain things but because He "took too long" I did things on my own normally only to make a mess of things. He reminded me how when He spoke promises to me and then the test would come, I wouldn't stand on His Word but why? Could it be because never once has any man's word become their bond? Could it be that because when I have asked men to do things in the past, they failed me leaving me to pick up the pieces on my own? Is this why I only trusted God as far as I could see Him (isn't that ironic)
Is the brokenness I feel from my natural father affecting the relationship I have with my Heavenly Father? Can I take God at His Word? Can I stand on his promises? Will he lie to me?
I am reminded of this scripture.... Numbers 23:19 God is not a man that He should lie nor the son of man that He should repent. Has He said and will He not do it? Or has He spoken and will not make good of it.
Torn 2 Reborn Revelation:
Perhaps you are just like I was, you have grown up without a father in your home and it has left you with emptiness. You have searched so many places for love and something steady that you can put your trust in and have yet to find it. Let me introduce Jesus to you today. The Word of God in Romans 10:9 tells us all you have to do is believe in your heart and confess with your mouth that Jesus died on the cross and after 3 days resurrected and now lives in heaven with the Father and you are saved. Invite Him into your heart. He wants to be your Father. He wants to fill the emptiness. He wants to heal the hurt. He wants you to trust Him and I have found out for myself that He is trust-worthy. 
Perhaps you have found yourself at a place where you can't quite trust God with every area of your life and maybe you don't know where this lack of trust came from. Maybe it is stemming from an absent parent or failed relationships but God is a God of restoration and healing. He is patient and He can teach you how to trust Him. He's teaching me even now.
Let us pray:
Father, thank you so much for healing the hurt and lifting the burdens. You said in your Word that when our fathers and mothers forsake us, you would take us up and you have done just that. I pray now for every reader that comes across this blog that you would heal them from the inside out. I pray that you will minister to the brokenness and the voids. Show us how to trust you. Show us how interested you truly are in us. Show us the concern you have for your children. We love you and we believe that You love us more. In Jesus name, Amen
God Bless You.