Monday, October 7, 2013

Wait on the Lord and Stay in line

I was sitting here thinking about how much my life has changed in the last year and my imagination took over. I pictured a very long line, with many people waiting to be helped by the person at the window. I pictured there being many distractions to the right and to the left of the people standing in line but in order to be helped, you had to stay in line or you would have to go to the end of the line.  I pictured myself at the end of the line doing the "pee-pee" dance because I had been standing in line so long that my natural bodily sensations were now responding to the wait. But again, if I got out of line, I would lose my spot.

This is a depiction of what has happened in my life in the last year. I petitioned God for so many things over these last few years and it seemed like everyone was in line before me.  They all had their chance to be helped by the person standing at the window.  There were so many distractions all around me that if I responded to them, I would have to start over and get to the back of the line.  Even my natural bodily sensations began to tell of how much time had elapsed but I knew I couldn't get out of line. I can't lose my spot. Because I exercised patience, in ONE year, to the glory of God, my pay increased by $7.00, I became a homeowner and a geniune love has found me.

Isaiah 40:31
They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength.  They shall mount up their wings like an eagle and soar. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and never faint.   Wait on the Lord, stay in line and dont lose your spot.

Father, in the name of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, I thank you for salvation, for freedom, for liberty, favor, mercy and grace. I come on behalf of your servants who are in their season of waiting. No matter what it is that they are waiting for, I pray that their hearts will be fixed and their minds will be made up that YOU know what is best for them now and in their future. I pray that they, including myself, learn to trust YOU with everything that concerns us and more importantly trust the timing of YOUR blessings. Train us to be responsible stewards over what it is YOU will bring into our lives and help us to exercise wisdom and restraint so that we don't abuse or misuse the blessing YOU will give to us. We give YOU glory. We worship YOU because YOU are worthy to be worshipped. We honor YOU with our bodies and with our speech. We love YOU and we need YOU.  We thank you for everything. In Jesus name. Amen

Monday, June 10, 2013

Not My Will, but Your Will Lord

I am a thinker.  I analyze a lot.  I write down everything, grocery lists, projects for the house, even down to what bills to pay with the checks for the next 3 months.  I’m always making plans.  I will make a plan A, but I have to also make a plan B and C and a fallback plan just in case those don’t go as I planned.  I like structure. I don’t operate well in chaos and although this may seem like an awesome trait to have, it sometimes wreaks havoc in my salvation.  

Salvation is all about faith.  Faith is “being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1) If you think about it, we live our lives completely based on faith.  Everyone believes in something. Whether you believe that when you sit in a chair, it will hold your weight or when you turn the ignition in your car, you have faith it will start and take you to your destination. We all believe something. The problem for me is sometimes my need for structure and planning and my faith are in war against one another.  Let me share a recent event with you and you will see what I mean.

I work in the sales environment and during the month of May, a sales contest was held. For every policy sold we would earn a spin on this wheel.  The wheel had different point value amounts  ranging from 2,000 to 10,000. There was also this “sweepstakes” button that where if the wheel landed on it, your name would be entered into a weekly drawing.  Now, the entire contest was electronic so it was “rigged” so that many of your spins would land on the sweepstakes value.  The points were redeemable in this online catalog where the prizes ranged from 0-55,000 and of course the more points you had, the nicer and higher dollar amount prizes you could earn.

My first day of spinning, I earned 10,000.  I was psyched. Either after the first day or maybe the second, I won up to 23,000 points.  Since I am moving in my first home in less than 2 weeks, I ordered a cookware set and a hardware set.  Throughout the month, I would earn more and more points and I worked my way up to 43,000 points. I decided for these next set of points, I would wait because I wanted to get something really nice.  In the online catalog was the opportunity to order gift cards ranging in price from $25 to $100.  You could order gas cards, visa check cards, restaurant gift cards0, Lowes gift cards and even Home Depot gift cards.  I was hoping to max out my chances of getting as many gift cards as possible to help out with house expenses. 
I have some people coming to my home to sow into my life and get the house to “Letrice style” and although they aren’t charging me anything for the work, I wanted to be a blessing to them as well. I thought to myself “I could sow into their lives with the gift cards”  My house is sort of far from where these people live so blessing them with a gas card would be right on time. In order to get the amount I wanted to bless them with, I needed about 10,000 more points.  We were coming into the last few days of the contest and I hadn’t gotten to the point value I needed just yet.  This is when the it all changed.

I got to work Friday morning and I was like “ok God, I need 10,000 points today” I had 14 opportunities to spin. The first spin was a sweepstakes.  The second was 2,000 points.  It faked me out because the 2,000 points button was right next to the 10,000 points button and when it began to slow down, I became very anxious (fingers crossed, leg shaking and one eye closed, I don’t know what all that was about)   The next couple of spins were sweepstakes.  My 7th or 8th spin was 4,000 points and again the 4,000 points was right next to the 10,000 points. My co-worker was looking at me while I was having my conniption like “What is wrong with this girl?”  I explained to him what I was trying to accomplish with my spins.  My very next spin was 4,000 points but it was so close to the 10,000 button that it looked like it jumped to the 4,000 point.  Feeling cheated, I was like “OMG!”  I’m telling my co-worker than my latest spin was only 4,000 and I finished out the rest of my spins without landing on the 10,000 button.  He asked me what points I earned today. “I said I got a 2,000, a 4,000 and another 4,000.  He said ever so plainly “Letrice, THAT IS 10,000 points?” I stopped and counted it up and thought to myself “IT IS!” 

At that very moment, I heard the spirit of the Lord say, “Just because I don’t answer your prayers in the way you expect doesn’t mean I don’t hear them and I’m not listening. If you only look for me in the way YOU expect me to come, YOU will miss out on so many blessings that I have for you”  My eyes began to tear up because I know this is a struggle that I deal with daily.  I’m always trying to think of God’s next move in my life instead of trusting that He has complete control over me and all that concerns me. I almost missed out on my house because it didn’t fit the “plan” of what I thought the Lord was going to bless me with.  He constantly shows me that He is in control because I often have to erase, edit and sometimes discard all of my plans; however His plans are always better than my own.

Let us pray together.
Father we thank you for who you are; the Creator of this universe and every living thing in it. Lord, we desire to live our lives in ways pleasing to you. However, Lord we also know that you are the Supreme Ruler and You have already destined a plan for us.  Help us now to seek you first and Your Righteousness so that all we desire will be added unto us. I pray that we will have a submissive spirit to your Will and to be able to discern your voice from that of the adversary.  I pray that our spirits will be open to your leading so that we will walk into everything that you have for us.  We love you God and we thank you for ALWAYS loving us.  In Jesus’ name.  Amen. 

Be blessed 

Monday, May 27, 2013

Sex and Tears

I met a guy! That sentence alone sounds very weird coming from me but anyway, I met a guy in what I think is a very unorthodox way. The conversation was good and I was able to be myself. He said all the right things, laughed at my jokes and viewed life very similar to how I do. We enjoyed some of the same hobbies but more importantly, he wasn't looking to play games and really wanted something with substance.  He agreed that the key to anything lasting is to be open and honest and nothing was off limits as far as discussion. Everything seemed great but there was just one problem and in my eyes a HUGE problem.  Although he professed to be saved, he was not practicing celibacy.  Well because I am and will continue until marriage, I felt this was something that could lead to disaster if clear boundaries weren't set.  After sharing our "issues" with another, it became obvious to me that his need or desire to be physical with a woman to show his love for her was just the symptom of a seed of distorted love that was planted early on in his life. God revealed some things about his past that I shared with him and he was very receiving. He was very aware of his issues and admitted to being a man that was broken. He admitted that exercising celibacy would be a hard struggle for him but because I was clearly special and invaluable, he was willing to refrain. Sounds good right? I thought so too until later conversations.
Galatians 5:17 states "For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do"  The later conversations re-affirmed the reality of this scripture because when talking to him more and more, I discerned that he knew practicing celibacy was best for his Spirit but he felt having sex was better for his flesh but before I could attach myself to this I needed to know which one ruled him?  We discussed 1 Cor 6:12-20, 1 Cor 9:25-27, 2 Cor 5:17-18 and Hebrews 12 so that he would understand that celibacy is not something we just decide to do but something we are required to do once we profess Jesus Christ as our savior.  He shared that he has talked to many women "in the church" who said they were celibate but at the first encounter, their clothes were off faster than his (this is another topic I will have to address in another blog) and that he could tell I was very serious about God and the last thing he wanted to be is someone that would put me in an uncomfortable position. I respected him for that.
Well the respect was lost yesterday. He sent me a very sexual text about how he felt at the very moment. I became immediately disrespected. I understood that it was going to be a struggle for him to be celibate BUT even if this is a feeling that your flesh was going through at the time, you should have never thought it was ok to send a message to a Woman of God like that when you clearly know I am different. This is when I made the decision to cut ties.  At this point, it became obvious that his flesh is ruling over his Spirit and I will not compromise my relationship with God for that of man.
I have a heart for people. I always feel the need to help people but sometimes it really gets in the way.  My co-worker says that I have a "let me fix you Spirit" Call it what you want but I never want to turn my back on anyone because they aren't delivered in a certain area of their lives but I have learned that I am not the One who does the changing. I have deposited seeds that I hope take root and bring forth a harvest of self control but self-control is a fruit of the Spirit and only God can change his heart. However, I must admit it was hard to let go because I really enjoyed him (and he was nice on the eyes lol)  I caught myself feeling emotional (see picture above) feeling like because of my determination to please God with my obedience to His Word I wouldn't attract anyone my age because so many people my age are still in the world but I had to get OUT my feelings and IN to what I know:

Psalm 84:11 "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. NO good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly"
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope"
Romans 8:8 "Those who are in the flesh cannot please God"
2 Timothy 2:22 "So flee youthful passions and purse righteousness, faith, love, and peace along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.

Here are my takeaways:
You should never compromise your beliefs to please man and not just man in gender but man as far as the species.
Although we live in a sex-crazed society, we are still called to live a life of abstinence or celibacy in our seasons of singleness and monogamous faithfulness in marriage.
Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord Psalm 27:14

Allow me to pray for you:
Almighty God, in the name of Jesus I thank you for this learning experience and for the many people who will read about it and be encouraged. I ask that you strengthen the hearts of all reading this blog and that something in it will take root and blossom into an abundant life of obedience. Father, I pray for those who are waiting for you to send their spouse, that they will be encouraged to keep waiting in good courage. I pray we become engulfed in Your love and understand how valuable we are to You. I pray that you will fill the longing in our hearts for companionship so that we will make better decisions. I pray that you help us not to settle for anything less than what you have for us. I pray that we will be obedient to your Word so that we may be found blameless and able to receive all the many blessings you have for us. Baptize us with your Spirit so that we may have the fruit of your Spirit. I love you Lord and You are indeed my everything. If there is someone who cannot testify to the same thing, I pray that you draw them nearer.  Lastly Father, I pray for those who are engaging in sexual relations. I pray that you bring about a Spirit of conviction and repentance so that they may be cleansed from all impurities in Jesus name.  God, you are indeed a keeper and I thank you for keeping me.  In Jesus name I pray. Amen  

Be blessed everyone and thanks for reading!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

SONshine and Rain

On Sunday, I was driving towards my best friend's house to enjoy our family dinner. I have driven there so many times that I could really make the drive without thought. However, there was something different that caught my attention.  It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining brightly ahead of me. It was far off but its rays pointed directly at my face. The glare was so bright that I reached for my shades. After adjusting my vision, I looked toward the sun again and it seemed like the sun was right over the place where I was headed and guiding me to my destination. What really amazed me was the fact that although it was sunny outside,  I had my windshield wipers on because it was also raining. When does it ever rain while the sun is out? is what I thought to myself.  We have been conditioned to think that in the midst of a storm or in the midst of rain, the clouds have to be gloomy and the sun has to be hidden but truth be told, the sun is always in the sky, even when it "goes down."   I began smiling because I saw this as a spiritual lesson from the Lord.

Sometimes along this Christian journey, we can feel like God isn't near. Normally, its when the storm clouds roll in our lives and the rain comes but dont be alarmed.  The SON is always in the sky, even on the gray days. Just as it was possible for the sun to shine while it was raining in the natural, the SON is always shining even during the storm in your life because the SON is always REIGNING!!!! Don't lose faith. Just as the sun appeared to be right over my friend's house or my destination, its rays extended all the way to where I was at the moment.  The only thing I had to do was to be going in the right direction.  The same thing applies to YOU. The Lord knows your destination, the place where He has pre-destined you to be, however He has also extended the Holy Spirit to you now to help you where you are.  As long as your heart is turned towards Him, you will make it to where you are supposed to be.

Torn to Born Revelation:
Lord God, Almighty, Soverign One, King of kings, Lord of lords.  You indeed are the GREAT I AM.  We thank you for being the Only Wise God, the One who knows all and sees all. We thank you for never leaving us nor forsaking us. We also thank you for sending the Holy Spirit to help us. We believe that even in our darkest days you are there just like you are in our brightest days. We thank you for being our strong tower where we can run to when the storms get too strong. We appreciate your for your safety. We trust you today and forever. In Jesus name, Amen

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

It Is Well

Love interrupted by tragedy. What would my life be like now?
I do know that I can handle it if it’s what You’ve allowed!
 It is well with me, It is well with me. It is well with my soul.
My heart has been broken into pieces and I’ve had more than my share of my pain.
Still, I believe that all things will work out for my good so while in my storm,
I’ll bodly proclaim that IT IS WELL WITH ME!!!
I trust you Lord, I believe you Lord, I rest in you Lord. It is well!
It may hurt some time Lord but I know

(link to the song)

These lyrics are from a song titled, “It is well” from Mary Mary’s Something Big album. These are more than just lyrics of a song. This is my life. I wish that it had come out in 2006 when I was living these lyrics but now when I sing them, I sing them victoriously instead of as a victim. For those of you who may not know, here is a brief testimony.

In 2006, I was engaged and on the day we planned to marry, my fiance was shot 6 times and murdered. I was devastated. Although I was helping make funeral arrangements, I couldn’t bring myself to believe that he was truly gone. I convinced myself that he went on vacation to take a breather but he was going to return home soon. I entered into a terrible depression, crying all day for days, sleeping in his clothes, not eating etc. I remember one day sitting in the room sobbing and I heard keys coming through the front door. I jumped up and scurried to the living room to find no one there. I had imagined it all. I woke up many nights to what I thought was him walking through my house. No matter where I went, there were always memories of him and I. I couldn't escape the memories in my mind. I couldn't tell what was reality and what was my imagination. I was losing my mind.

I don’t find it as a coincidence that just 2 days prior to this, I had given my life to Jesus Christ. I was
only 2 days into my faith and didn’t know Jesus to be a Keeper of my mind. I didn’t know him to be a Comforter nor a Provider but it was through this tragedy that He proved himself and His might to me. I was heart-broken after Shawn’s death especially after being confronted by a woman who told me about me, including my entire work schedule because when I was at work, he was with her. Not only was I grieving his loss, I was also dealing with betrayal, mistrust and neglect. If I would have heard these lyrics in 2006, I would have bitterly laughed that this hurt could not have been a part of God’s plan for my life. I would not have been able to proclaim that “all is well with my soul.” but now I can!

So what changed?

Although very tragic, Shawn’s death was necessary for me. Our relationship wasn’t healthy. It was
comprised of two incomplete people with trust and insecurity issues struggling to make a whole
relationship. I will not say that everything between us was bad because there were a lot of good times, however no matter how good the times were, we both lacked Jesus and without Jesus, we were both hell bound. I knew I needed to leave but I didn’t have the strength to leave and stay gone so God had to make the separation permanent. I’ve always had an awareness of God and the concept of heaven and hell but it was through the death of Shawn that I had come into relationship with Jesus. It was after his death that I learned who the Great I Am is and what He is capable to be.
I can now sing the song, “It is well with me” This was a part of God’s plan; every heartbreak, every
disappointment, every tear…. All a part of God’s plan.

God needs people to know that He is able to mend the broken-hearted. In order for a heart to be
mended, it has to first be broken. God needs people to know that He is a provider. I was only bringing
home $770.00 every 2 weeks from my job; my rent was $625 and my car note was $350 yet my son and I had everything we needed and never went hungry. God needs the world to know that He will never leave them nor forsake them so in order to understand this; you have to experience folks leaving you to know that He is still there. God needs those who are stressed and depressed to know that He can keep their mind at peace. I am honored that God would use me as his witness and that now I can say, “All is well with my soul”

Torn to Reborn Revelation:
I understand that not everyone is able to make this proclamation because not everyone is saved by the
grace of Jesus Christ. If you aren’t let me introduce Jesus Christ to you today. Romans 10:9 reads "If you acknowledge AND confess with your lips that Jesus is Lord and in your heart believe that God raised Jesus from the dead, you will be saved.  Once you make this confession, you are now born again into the kingdom of God and the benefits of salvation are available for you.  No matter what you go through, know that all is well with your soul because it is all working together for your good.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Sneak attack..... Caught off guard

I've been reading a book titled, "How to Engage in Spiritual Warfare Victoriously" by Tony Owens and I came across this passage that seemed to stick out to me.
"The enemy examines us to identify our weaknesses. Again, he first examines the areas that you are weak in the flesh, and then he sees where you are weak or overly sensitive emotionally, and he attacks you there."
 I am a living witness to this truth. A few months ago, I had a small procedure done that left me in a lot of pain.  Afterwards, I had to stand in line for about 20 minutes to get my prescription filled. It seemed to be the longest 20 minutes of my life. I remember saying to myself that “I wish I had a husband to take care of me.” I began thinking about how much easier my life would be if I had someone to share my daily tasks with. As more time passed, I even became irritated that being the single woman that I am, I was even dealing with this alone. Little did I know that these thoughts would be the gateway for the enemy to launch an emotional attack against me.
The same day, I was approached by an individual that I have been relatively close with, stating that God told him I was his wife. He came across with so much confidence and certainty that it caught me by surprise. I had never considered this person to be someone I would date partly because we were such good acquaintances. I’ve been down this road many times thinking that someone I met was going to be my husband and after the last emotional escapade, I promised God I wouldn’t get overzealous next time. I promised God that I would seek Him first before even allowing my emotions and my thoughts to become tangled up in someone else.  The “guy” appeared to be the ideal catch.  He is a Man of God, college graduate, business professional, family and goal-oriented young man. Unlike my past picks, he had values. Some would even say that he is handsome. He has been there for me many times in the past in emergency situations so I know there was some level of concern he has for me BUT I still didn’t want to be involved with him unless God’s approval was on it.  I took the situation to my Father in prayer. The bible says in Mark 9:29 says that some things only come by prayer and fasting. The man I would spend the rest of my life with and the person I would invite into my most inner part of my life warranted a reason to pray and fast. I was prayerful for a week. During that week, many things happened.  The “guy” and I had a very deep talk about marriage and the rearing of children. We discussed our desires for our spouse and where we believed the Lord was taking us individually.  We went to church and took communion together. Things appeared to be going just like it should. The day after my fast, I was sharing the story with a few women of God, encouraging their hearts and explaining the importance of waiting on God.  An overwhelming peace came about me which was too heavy to stand on my feet.  The presence of the Lord surrounded me and I just had to sit in His presence.  Before this, I was very fearful, fearful of being wrong about the whole thing, fearful of opening myself up to a man, fearful of being in a relationship and having to trust someone with my heart, but after the Lord entered the room, I believed He was easing my doubts and calming my fears.   After my experience with God, I told the “guy” that I was all for it but yet I would still be prayerful about our future together and I trusted him to do the same.
 I was excited but prayerful that God would help me to not allow my excitement to become an idol. I stayed level-headed… to some degree. I fell in love with the idea of being in love.  I began listening to love songs and imagining what my life would be like as a wife to this “guy.” He is of a different descent than I so I began reading up on what his customs are and traditions that he have so that the transition would be smooth and easy. My thoughts remained pure when I thought of him. I dared not to taint the special thing that God was bringing to me. I appreciated God for the way things seem to be orchestrated.  The "guy" and I had known each other for about 5 years and he was never a threat. I was able to build a trust with him based on friendship which is how any lasting relationship should begin.  My son likes him and he seemed to “approve” of the idea of this “guy” being his step-father. After 5 years of being single and rejoicing with all those around me during their new engagements, babies, home acquisitions etc, I was thrilled to know something was finally happening for me. Emotionally, I was open. I was vulnerable but I thought I was safe.  I removed my guard so that I could really let the “guy” into my heart. Little did I know, I was letting more in that just this guy. About a month later, I was told by the guy he is "kinda seeing somebody"  I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Had I missed God? Confusion began setting in. Why would you continue seeing someone if you knew that God told you who your wife was. We kissed! Did that not mean anything to you? I prayed and I fasted and I was given peace in my spirit about you so why was I fooled? Why me, why now?  God, why would YOU let this happen? I quickly tried to re-group. I tried to pry my heart from underneath his foot and run back to the dark cave that I wanted to hide in but my heart seemed to be stuck between the grooves of his shoe and the asphalt. There was an emotional war going on inside my spirit. I was snappy, inconsistent, and unstable. I would laugh one minute and cry the next.  Depression was riding my heels. I was disappointed and I felt like God let me down.  I wanted so badly to force my heart to close but it wanted to remain open. I began doubting really being called by God because I wasn’t able to discern the voice of God. As the days passed, I became sadder and sadder, hopelessness and despair began sitting in my lap and no matter how much I tried to rise above it, I couldn’t find the bounce back in my spirit. I couldn’t pray because every time I tried, the whispers of “You aren’t good enough” and “there goes another man that has left you” echoed so loudly in my head.  I was becoming bitter and angry at everyone, friends, family and co-workers.  Inside, I was crying- screaming even but no one could hear me and no one could pick up on the words I wasn’t saying. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I dwelt on thoughts of how much happier I was when I was in the world shacking up being cheated on, used and abused. I knew that I needed to be saved but I was over it at this point.  Satan was trying to snatch the very joy of my salvation away and I was letting him.

Torn 2 Reborn Revelation:
My thoughts, emotions and longing for a husband in combination with the fact that I was physically weak made me a prime candidate for the enemy’s tactics. The plan of the enemy has always been, is, and will always be to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10)  He was trying to steal the joy of being unmarried that God had given me, kill my relationship with others and destroy my faith in God and the leading of His Spirit. Women have a tendency to be emotionally-led creatures but we have to watch out for this because our faith is not emotionally based. It is grounded and rooted in Jesus Christ. We have to guard our hearts and minds and cast down those thoughts immediately that are not of God. Philippians 4:8 tells us “Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things…… And the peace of God will be with you. This is what I failed to do.  Spending time mentally wishing I had a husband left me open for the emotional turmoil that came that very day. Instead, what I needed to do was thankful that God is a healer and I made it through the procedure and even able to stand on my two feet to wait in a line for the medication.  Be careful of your thoughts and emotional instability.  Don’t let it be a gateway for the enemy.  To God be the Glory God bless you all.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Fatherless Daughter..... Who Can I Trust?

I grew up without my father in the home. I grew up very angry and even jealous at times of those friends who had a dad. I never understood what would make a man hate his own child. No one had ever told me that he hated me but it must have been hatred that caused him to leave me with nothing but empty promises. Hatred must have made him tell me he would come get me only to leave me sitting on my grandma's stoup for hours waiting for him. Hatred must have made him tell my brother and sister I wasn't his child. Hatred must have kept him from even attempting to look for me when my mom and I moved away.  It must have been hatred because nothing else explains his actions, I remember when I was about 8 or 9, I was watching the Maury show and there were some wild teenage girls that blamed their promiscuity on the absent father. Even at that young age, I laughed to myself in total disagreement thinking that there was no possible correlation between an absent father and a promiscious teenager.
                                            That was until I stared emptiness in the face.
I got pregnant at 14. I didnt have sex because of my own desires. I didnt have sex because of peer pressure. I did it because there was actually someone who liked me, a guy that spent his allowance money on me, a guy that said nice things about me and told all his friends I was his girl.  The validation I was looking for subconsiously was being given to me from someone of the opposite sex and I liked it. The only problem was there were other girls interested in "my guy" too. I mean, were there any other recourses for me besides giving of my body? I wasn't aware I was worthy of having someone interested in me. Heck, my own father wasn't interested in me so I had to bring more to keep him interested... so I thought.  I'll be the first to tell you, a baby doesnt keep a guy around. You would think I would know that from my own experience with my dad but I guess experience isn't always the best teacher. In searching for something to fill the 2 voids, I now felt... 1 from my dad and 2nd from my son's dad, I went on a quest looking for love. It landed me with many failed relationships and even more brokenness than before. In every relationship I was cheated on and used. In my last relationship, I was even physically abused. Each relationship took more and more of me with it. It was clear to me that men just can't be trusted. They lied with a straight face and made it up  with smooth words. When they said, "I love you" they might as well have said "I'm leaving you" because that is what was happening.
Fast forward to 2006, just two days before my fiance' was murdered, I gave my life to Jesus Christ. I had had just about all I could take and I was convinced there had to be something greater than the emptiness I had. I didnt know a lot about the Lord but I knew from Sunday School that "Jesus loves me, this is know... For the bible tells me so" At this point, what I needed was love but a different kind of love. A love that doesn't hurt. A love that doesn't take away. I was looking for love and I had hoped I would find it in God. What a life changing decision! I was saved! I was now a daughter of a king who, according to the Word has many blessings to bestow upon me. He has made many promises to me. He says He loves me......... me! Who would have thought that with my past, God will still love me?
2012- I am still living for Jesus. I am going higher in God but there is something that keeps pulling me back. The lack of faith and trust. I had recently gone through an emotional trial that seemed to have incapacitated me mentally. There have been some petitions I've made to the Lord and it seems as things were going in the opposite direction. It seems as though the very thing I pray about is the one thing I lose. I asked God to bless my finances, yet I was living paycheck to paycheck. I asked God to bless me with a spouse yet I'm still single. I asked God to bless me with a home of my own and  yet I'm still at home. However, it seems as those around me are excelling in every area of their lives. Have I found myself in another situation where I'm again not good enough? The Lord loves me, yes I know but why does it seem as though He has forgotten me? Has the word LOVE been taken out of context? I couldn't pray. I had a "I'm over it attitude" but the funny thing is, I didnt know exactly what that meant.
One day the Lord spoke to me and said, "You treat me like a man but I am not a man" What God? What is that supposed to mean? He reminded me of times when I have prayed for certain things but because He "took too long" I did things on my own normally only to make a mess of things. He reminded me how when He spoke promises to me and then the test would come, I wouldn't stand on His Word but why? Could it be because never once has any man's word become their bond? Could it be that because when I have asked men to do things in the past, they failed me leaving me to pick up the pieces on my own? Is this why I only trusted God as far as I could see Him (isn't that ironic)
Is the brokenness I feel from my natural father affecting the relationship I have with my Heavenly Father? Can I take God at His Word? Can I stand on his promises? Will he lie to me?
I am reminded of this scripture.... Numbers 23:19 God is not a man that He should lie nor the son of man that He should repent. Has He said and will He not do it? Or has He spoken and will not make good of it.
Torn 2 Reborn Revelation:
Perhaps you are just like I was, you have grown up without a father in your home and it has left you with emptiness. You have searched so many places for love and something steady that you can put your trust in and have yet to find it. Let me introduce Jesus to you today. The Word of God in Romans 10:9 tells us all you have to do is believe in your heart and confess with your mouth that Jesus died on the cross and after 3 days resurrected and now lives in heaven with the Father and you are saved. Invite Him into your heart. He wants to be your Father. He wants to fill the emptiness. He wants to heal the hurt. He wants you to trust Him and I have found out for myself that He is trust-worthy. 
Perhaps you have found yourself at a place where you can't quite trust God with every area of your life and maybe you don't know where this lack of trust came from. Maybe it is stemming from an absent parent or failed relationships but God is a God of restoration and healing. He is patient and He can teach you how to trust Him. He's teaching me even now.
Let us pray:
Father, thank you so much for healing the hurt and lifting the burdens. You said in your Word that when our fathers and mothers forsake us, you would take us up and you have done just that. I pray now for every reader that comes across this blog that you would heal them from the inside out. I pray that you will minister to the brokenness and the voids. Show us how to trust you. Show us how interested you truly are in us. Show us the concern you have for your children. We love you and we believe that You love us more. In Jesus name, Amen
God Bless You.