Fatherless Daughter..... Who Can I Trust?

I grew up without my father in the home. I grew up very angry and even jealous at times of those friends who had a dad. I never understood what would make a man hate his own child. No one had ever told me that he hated me but it must have been hatred that caused him to leave me with nothing but empty promises. Hatred must have made him tell me he would come get me only to leave me sitting on my grandma's stoup for hours waiting for him. Hatred must have made him tell my brother and sister I wasn't his child. Hatred must have kept him from even attempting to look for me when my mom and I moved away.  It must have been hatred because nothing else explains his actions, I remember when I was about 8 or 9, I was watching the Maury show and there were some wild teenage girls that blamed their promiscuity on the absent father. Even at that young age, I laughed to myself in total disagreement thinking that there was no possible correlation between an absent father and a promiscious teenager.
                                            That was until I stared emptiness in the face.
I got pregnant at 14. I didnt have sex because of my own desires. I didnt have sex because of peer pressure. I did it because there was actually someone who liked me, a guy that spent his allowance money on me, a guy that said nice things about me and told all his friends I was his girl.  The validation I was looking for subconsiously was being given to me from someone of the opposite sex and I liked it. The only problem was there were other girls interested in "my guy" too. I mean, were there any other recourses for me besides giving of my body? I wasn't aware I was worthy of having someone interested in me. Heck, my own father wasn't interested in me so I had to bring more to keep him interested... so I thought.  I'll be the first to tell you, a baby doesnt keep a guy around. You would think I would know that from my own experience with my dad but I guess experience isn't always the best teacher. In searching for something to fill the 2 voids, I now felt... 1 from my dad and 2nd from my son's dad, I went on a quest looking for love. It landed me with many failed relationships and even more brokenness than before. In every relationship I was cheated on and used. In my last relationship, I was even physically abused. Each relationship took more and more of me with it. It was clear to me that men just can't be trusted. They lied with a straight face and made it up  with smooth words. When they said, "I love you" they might as well have said "I'm leaving you" because that is what was happening.
Fast forward to 2006, just two days before my fiance' was murdered, I gave my life to Jesus Christ. I had had just about all I could take and I was convinced there had to be something greater than the emptiness I had. I didnt know a lot about the Lord but I knew from Sunday School that "Jesus loves me, this is know... For the bible tells me so" At this point, what I needed was love but a different kind of love. A love that doesn't hurt. A love that doesn't take away. I was looking for love and I had hoped I would find it in God. What a life changing decision! I was saved! I was now a daughter of a king who, according to the Word has many blessings to bestow upon me. He has made many promises to me. He says He loves me......... me! Who would have thought that with my past, God will still love me?
2012- I am still living for Jesus. I am going higher in God but there is something that keeps pulling me back. The lack of faith and trust. I had recently gone through an emotional trial that seemed to have incapacitated me mentally. There have been some petitions I've made to the Lord and it seems as things were going in the opposite direction. It seems as though the very thing I pray about is the one thing I lose. I asked God to bless my finances, yet I was living paycheck to paycheck. I asked God to bless me with a spouse yet I'm still single. I asked God to bless me with a home of my own and  yet I'm still at home. However, it seems as those around me are excelling in every area of their lives. Have I found myself in another situation where I'm again not good enough? The Lord loves me, yes I know but why does it seem as though He has forgotten me? Has the word LOVE been taken out of context? I couldn't pray. I had a "I'm over it attitude" but the funny thing is, I didnt know exactly what that meant.
One day the Lord spoke to me and said, "You treat me like a man but I am not a man" What God? What is that supposed to mean? He reminded me of times when I have prayed for certain things but because He "took too long" I did things on my own normally only to make a mess of things. He reminded me how when He spoke promises to me and then the test would come, I wouldn't stand on His Word but why? Could it be because never once has any man's word become their bond? Could it be that because when I have asked men to do things in the past, they failed me leaving me to pick up the pieces on my own? Is this why I only trusted God as far as I could see Him (isn't that ironic)
Is the brokenness I feel from my natural father affecting the relationship I have with my Heavenly Father? Can I take God at His Word? Can I stand on his promises? Will he lie to me?
I am reminded of this scripture.... Numbers 23:19 God is not a man that He should lie nor the son of man that He should repent. Has He said and will He not do it? Or has He spoken and will not make good of it.
Torn 2 Reborn Revelation:
Perhaps you are just like I was, you have grown up without a father in your home and it has left you with emptiness. You have searched so many places for love and something steady that you can put your trust in and have yet to find it. Let me introduce Jesus to you today. The Word of God in Romans 10:9 tells us all you have to do is believe in your heart and confess with your mouth that Jesus died on the cross and after 3 days resurrected and now lives in heaven with the Father and you are saved. Invite Him into your heart. He wants to be your Father. He wants to fill the emptiness. He wants to heal the hurt. He wants you to trust Him and I have found out for myself that He is trust-worthy. 
Perhaps you have found yourself at a place where you can't quite trust God with every area of your life and maybe you don't know where this lack of trust came from. Maybe it is stemming from an absent parent or failed relationships but God is a God of restoration and healing. He is patient and He can teach you how to trust Him. He's teaching me even now.
Let us pray:
Father, thank you so much for healing the hurt and lifting the burdens. You said in your Word that when our fathers and mothers forsake us, you would take us up and you have done just that. I pray now for every reader that comes across this blog that you would heal them from the inside out. I pray that you will minister to the brokenness and the voids. Show us how to trust you. Show us how interested you truly are in us. Show us the concern you have for your children. We love you and we believe that You love us more. In Jesus name, Amen
God Bless You.